All credits are to be given to me.
Post feedbacks if you liked it or how I could improve it.
I order you to forgive yourself!
I order you to forgive yourself!
Lotta oddly-constructed sentences that didn't flow so well... I'm not even sure I get the ending, or what happened. Breakage of the third wall seemed awkward, slightly contrived, totally unnecessary, and it broke the flow. And why digress to talk about the setting if you could've simply described it before detailing the events of the story?
None.
I order you to forgive yourself!
Quote from 
DavidJCobb
DavidJCobbLotta oddly-constructed sentences that didn't flow so well... I'm not even sure I get the ending, or what happened. Breakage of the third wall seemed awkward, slightly contrived, totally unnecessary, and it broke the flow. And why digress to talk about the setting if you could've simply described it before detailing the events of the story?
Yeah, describing the city the way you did... not a great idea. You could have easily intertwined it with the following paragraph. Add it in there while she's on her way to the river.
Take "Anyway" out of that sentence. Instead of stating that her mind was unchanged, give the reader the impression that she hadn't changed her mind by making her respond arrogantly and/or snobbishly to the man.
Why are you writing this as a narrator? Was that part of the assignment?
I'd say take that whole sentence out. Keep the suspense going. She's trapped, and telling us she lost the skii-doo doesn't fit. Unless it was some sort of precious object that belonged to the family.
Again, to keep the suspense going, remove "Then" from this sentence:
Oh, and you rushed through and at the ending.
Quote
Anyway, that conversation had in no way changed what Sainha Peira was going to do.
Take "Anyway" out of that sentence. Instead of stating that her mind was unchanged, give the reader the impression that she hadn't changed her mind by making her respond arrogantly and/or snobbishly to the man.
Quote
For some obscure reason that even I, the narrator, don’t know yet,
Why are you writing this as a narrator? Was that part of the assignment?
I'd say take that whole sentence out. Keep the suspense going. She's trapped, and telling us she lost the skii-doo doesn't fit. Unless it was some sort of precious object that belonged to the family.
Again, to keep the suspense going, remove "Then" from this sentence:
Quote
Then, she felt the water getting higher and higher.
Oh, and you rushed through and at the ending.
None.
I order you to forgive yourself!
Quote from name:BluEditor
...
Wow, that makes a lot of sense. I'll change those little details right now. Seems like I'll be improving my writing skills a lot with that short story
Also, the idea I had with the ski-doo was that it would block the water that was able to go through the dam leading to the flood.
Picture of what it could look like
Options
Pages: 1
Back to forum
Please log in to reply to this topic or to report it.
Members in this topic: None.
[02:30 am]
Symmetry -- I dreamed about that as a kid. The idea of a computer capable of analyzing a starcraft map and calculating the fastest possible way to hit the victory condition[08:47 am]
NimoStar -- the thing with the "*12" thing is completely misleading. The AI isn't using two control groups, it can use each of those actions to command a single unit individually and issue different commands to each single unit.[08:06 am]
NudeRaider -- NudeRaiderNudeRaider shouted: Oh_Man Artosis hasn't caught on how devastating the perfect focus fire is. With the mutas he was like "the Mutas always seem to have less hp than against a human". But he didn't notice that the flock he had selected always just had one muta that was hurt. Same with the wraiths here. He's talking about how valks+wraith is gonna destroy Pluto's valks, then 5s later he's dumbfounded the human player's air is just gone and he never figured out why. And for some reason didn't even think to go back and look at the battle.
*Pluto's wraiths[08:05 am]
NudeRaider -- Oh_ManOh_Man shouted: https://youtu.be/scNIjVxVaYA
Artosis hasn't caught on how devastating the perfect focus fire is. With the mutas he was like "the Mutas always seem to have less hp than against a human". But he didn't notice that the flock he had selected always just had one muta that was hurt. Same with the wraiths here. He's talking about how valks+wraith is gonna destroy Pluto's valks, then 5s later he's dumbfounded the human player's air is just gone and he never figured out why. And for some reason didn't even think to go back and look at the battle.[2026-9-21. : 4:14 pm]
Vrael -- perhaps there is a small professional player trapped in a box in the server rack where pluto is running? hmm?
Members Online: MobMob