So lately I discovered a new feature/bug on minecraft that appears to be completely unknown to EVERYONE, as it is not even on the wiki (!!!), so I hopped on TS (teamspeak) and I spoke to an individual in the lobby (Talako) and then proceeded to go to a room with (Elie, Lingie, Syl, and Dark_Marine) to scream to the heavens my new discovery. It was to my dismay that I was unable to talk to anyone, even after rejoining, rebooting my computer, and resetting my net.

But wait it gets worse!

At some point I was able to hear people talking. But... It wasn't... words. It was like static. Actually a better descriptor would be a machine-gun firing electricity. At my face.

Even after all of this, I was still able to hear Talako and converse with him. On one occasion I heard Dark_marine's voice, but only briefly.
I got talako to go to the channel, and he agreed that there was ridiculous noise going on.

Can anyone help me with this?

That's probably the connection. Check your connection info when you're in the channel, sounds like you've got too much packet loss. Also, the quality might be too high for Lingie's shit internet to cooperate, so that could be causing it, though he usually fixes that pretty fast.

I know a bug in TS3 with the exact same symptoms you describe but it's fixed by restarting TS3. There's also the possibility that it's not your client bugging, but the person's you're trying to talk to. In that case send them a poke and tell them to restart their client.