Frostbite
Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm
By: ToA  

Jan 21 2012, 12:33 pm ToA Post #1

Que Sera, Sera.

It's almost a chill,
a body chill,
like a draft that bothers you,
but not enough to worry about.

A strong sense of confidence,
belief in yourself and endeavors yet to be,
words connect with ease,
thoughts flow with incredible accuracy,
any mistake is corrected in a short second
and it's existence is forgotten like a bad moment in your past.

Nervous energies,
focus, focus, focus,
project, projected,
understood,
and done.

It's a chill,
a sharp one,
now a stone,
worn out, in fear,
a fleeting feeling,
but it's not real.

It's a chill.




Jan 21 2012, 11:42 pm ClansAreForGays Post #2



Good. First time I've liked anything you've done.




Feb 17 2012, 3:30 pm Dapperdan Post #3



The fourth stanza/verse is by far the best.

The second stanza is wordy and lines 3-4 aren't that interesting. "In your past" is redundant.

Third stanza is my least favorite.

I would cut the second line of the first stanza.

I would get rid of the fifth stanza.

The more sparse and imagistic this poem is, the better it will work. Try cutting down on your adjectives.



None.

Options
  Back to forum
Please log in to reply to this topic or to report it.
Members in this topic: None.
[01:58 pm]
lil-Inferno -- ya
[2026-4-25. : 11:50 pm]
JamaL -- Glad to see SEN will never die. Kudos to whoever is paying the hosting fees these days!
[2026-4-25. : 3:37 pm]
NudeRaider -- (-.-,)
[2026-4-25. : 3:35 pm]
Zoan -- ;o I thought that was a monkey emote
[2026-4-25. : 3:34 pm]
Zoan -- :mods:
[2026-4-25. : 3:34 pm]
Zoan -- :mods"
[2026-4-25. : 3:20 pm]
NudeRaider -- Vrael
Vrael shouted: moderation? on SEN? in 2026? completely localized in anoeth47's topic? at this time of year?
boy, if you're not careful I'll moderate your sorry ass too!
[2026-4-25. : 3:06 pm]
RIVE -- Yyyes. Don't you see it?
[2026-4-25. : 2:11 pm]
Vrael -- moderation? on SEN? in 2026? completely localized in anoeth47's topic? at this time of year?
[2026-4-25. : 1:39 pm]
NudeRaider -- anoeth47
anoeth47 shouted: Can I get a moderator/lord of the forum to clean up my topics - delete posts not really part of the topic.
send me the links of the posts you want deleted via pm
Please log in to shout.


Members Online: anoeth47