I am the loathed weapon of the lords a'leaping,
Unspoken in their halls but the means to which they are reaping
And raping the land in the name of their deserved rewards
To keep the wine and gold flowing with their deserved whores
Even though in the end they have me putting lambs to slaughter
History will repeat in the eyes of their sons and daughters

Good and evil are concepts best left to man
Their gods never intended for these dramatic last stands
Might determined right in the heavens, though they hide
That even the purest of saints had their little white lies
And so even if the war comes down to two sides
I will remain the sword and shield, as well as the children's cries

The priests make their sacrifices, while all make their prayers
But the farmer should be more concerned with his land and mares
Though on their knees they feel absolved and proud
It will not grow the food, or protect from the evil abound
So if they must pray to someone who will save their body, rather than soul
Then they should pray to me, the weapon, silver and cold

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Re-write)

I am the loathed weapon of the lords of leisure
Unmentioned in their halls, their unpleasant procedure
To rape of these lands in the name of their deserved rewards
To keep the wine and gold flowing with their deserved whores
Though all they're good for is putting lambs to slaughter
Justice will come, a history repeated in the eyes of their sons and daughters

In the temples, the priests make their sacrifices
While in the castle the concubines make theirs
Both advance through keeping on their knees
Through prostitution or prayer
The farmer just concerned with is his land and mares
Seems the only innocent in these times o'corruption
Tis a wonder how the kingdoms of men function
(Still working on the re-write.)

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Oct 8 2009, 8:26 am by Excalibur.

do i c sum afi dar?

Either way. Different from what you usually write. Interesting to me. Reminds me of lots of conversations we have had.

*clap clap clap*

IT HAS RHYME AND (I think) METER!!!!

Bravo.

Nice to see a poem that actually has some sort of form to it.

I actually enjoy free form more than anything else, but thank you.

I don't really like it. Points for writing in form, but really, it's nothing special. The logic doesn't flow seamlessly, there are some awkward parts, and ambiguities in the wording. I might get around to actually in-detail breaking it down but time is slim so I wouldn't bank on that.

On another note, if these aren't lyrics (and i doubt they are), then use punctuation properly. Don't just use it sometimes and not use it others. The way it is now is messy.

typo.

i dislike o'corruption. if you're trying to write 'of corruption' then i think it's o' corruption, separated. But then again... 'of' and 'o' are both one syllable... so what is the point?


I feel like this line is just commentary on what the rest of the lines actually take time to express with specific narrative and detail. It's kind of an after-thought that i might try to stay away from. What this line simply states is already implied by the other lines, if anyone were to perform analysis on them.

um, also, i would say 'prostitution and prayers' rather than '... or ...'. The use of 'or' is a bit more distracting (requires more though it as one is quickly reading it) and doesn't flow as nicely. Furthermore, 'and' is just as suitable a fit grammatically and meaning-wise.


Also, this is a fragment. If you said 'the farmer that's concerned...' or 'the farmer who's concerned...' it would actually have a subject and a verb. Besides, 'the farmer just concerned' is a bit awkward. Right now the sentences bare-bone structue is "The farmer seems the only innocent" which isn't really English. A farmer can't seem the only innocent, but he can seem to be the only innocent. You may not care about this technical stuff as much... but i do think fixing it up makes for a smoother read, as well as an easier time translating/analyzing for the reader as he goes back over it.


One last thing, this line bugs me. The reading was flowing nicely until i got to this line. "Though all they're good for" comes off as a bit wordy and awkward to me here. It's a strange way to start a phrase to me, at least in poetry. It may a good time to actually say 'lords' again here, since you only bring them up on the first line, then proceed to use 'their' and 'they' a lot. It might focus the reader a bit. I'd recommending attempting some rewrites on the line.

i think i like the rewrite better than the original. though i have not taken the time to reread the original... and i'm just going by memory. i hope you keep working on it.