Well, now are you surprised
Of this joy and this wonder?
Will you open your eyes
Awakening from slumber?
Knowing not who you are
Nor why is it summer.

For where you have come from
Lay thickened in ice
But the feeling you feel
Is oh so distanced from nice
Could it be lonelyness
That makes you feel so despised?

And the frozen tundra
Nothing more then your dreams
Your self isolation
From what happyness means
And the pain you have felt
Had creaked through the seams

Of the wall between you
And the those you've called them
Let happyness shine on
Forget about the cement
You need not hide anymore
From the women or the men

Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Oct 1 2007, 9:21 pm by Shocko.

This is an awesome poem.

Why thank you ;D!

No capitalization, no periods, what a horrific poem!

Yeah, that was a joke. Seriously, though, I liked the way it sounded. No straight through rhyming, and sounds profound, though I've always been a bad judge of that. However, on the line 'had creaked through the seems', it's 'seams'.

7.5/10.

You dont, and FYI, I didn't need a rating

I know, but it's an ingrained habit. I rate signatures, I rate WoW UI's, I rate music... and now, poems .

I get the feeling that it could do with an extra stanza, but im not feeling the same as I was last night, thus anything I add now, will just be out of context more then likely.

i like the ryhmes but i dont like all of them when their in this poem liek that (<--wtf?)

k

gg my poem ;D!
I am thinking I should write another one, but I had like the biggest writers block, so I am not even sure if that's possible lol. I think it'd be good to make one so that I could get the attention of the girl I like ;D!

I'm not feeling the random rhyme scheme, sorry. I feel you should go free verse or use a real rhyme or meter scheme, or if you mix, there should be a definite purpose, i.e., couplet at the end or whatnot.

BTW, you don't "make" a poem, you write it.

Shocko, I've come to your poems rescue! /hyperbole First, add capitalization at the beginning of each line, it looks rather informal as you leave it. Moving on to spelling mistakes; loneliness*-happiness*. Moving on to the writing. I dislike like your "oh so distanced from nice" line. It is distracting from the meaning while still not offering anything great rhythmically or metaphorically, it's also a little... informal. It takes away from the seriousness of it. Moving on, second line of the last stanza; "the those", fix that. Also, the whole third stanza and running into the last stanza reads like a long wrong on sentence. The no capitalization doesn't help it at all. I also struggle to see a defined meaning and purpose in the poem. It seems like both change throughout. And in turn, when the main idea of the poem isn't clear, people in general aren't going to accept it or understand it as much as they would. I don't care about any of your rhyming schemes, it really has little to do with the overall poem, they're fine as they are. Hope I helped.

Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Oct 1 2007, 9:06 pm by Dapperdan.

Poems are for emos.

I am pretty sure you are all retarded.

Sure dapperdan had some things to contribute, but neither nimitz nor doktor shotgun had anything to offer.
Okay so sure, I SHOULD of capatalized each sentence, sure there is some spelling errors, however that's all technicality shit that to be honest, I don't care about.
As for 'you dont "make" poems you write them" I think it's pretty much the same damn thing, either way it was created.
The moral of the poem, if any, was that a person had awoken from a dream embracing the warmth of the sun, this conflicted with what his dream felt like, where he had felt that for years (though only hours) had passed in his dreams where the world lay in ice, the people were cold and he distanced himself from them, awaking gave him a weird feeling because of this, and his realisation of this inspires him to stop building a wall between himself and everyone else.
As for the "oh so distanced from nice" it was mainly for rhyme and the feeling that once you've not had something for so long, and you finally get it, you're not sure you like it anymore, for example, somebody has one hair style, they keep it for a year, then when they finally change it, they feel that they prefer the other one better, atleast until it grows on them.
Overall I found my poem to be rather easy to understand, spelling mistakes and format was, for me, an obvious conflict I would have.

I would say that the rhyming scheme is okay, sure some of the lines rhyme whilst others dont, but that's the way i formated it.

A
B
C
B
D
B

and sure, some of the rhymes may be weak, but I still think overall the completion of this poem came out to be mediocore, if not great, compared to my old stuff.

ToA contributed roughly as much, and I don't see you bitching about him.

A compliment isn't something I should need to debate about, but if we must get technical, in theory is a compliment not critique that is saying you did a good job? Which means I was on the right path which lead me to thinking about making another, that one compliment went a lot further then "poems are for emo's"

Yeah I agree, everyone but me didn't really offer a whole lot, but you shouldn't really expect that people in general will.


Should have* And it's not like you still couldn't change the capitalization lMoving on...


It's always easier for the person who writes to understand it, which is perfectly fine, but you shouldn't expect the readers to understand it fully with ease, ever. Now that you've explained it, I can see exactly what it meant, that isn't saying much.

Toa contributed less than anyone. But, a compliment that has no relevant points is always better than a critique that has no relevant points. Think about it from the point of view of the person who wrote the poem and posted it.


Everything goes a lot further than "poems are for emo's". That's just the type of useless spam that would be deleted in a world where mods existed.