I had faith in this forum. =(
Your topic made me thirsty.
(No one else will get that either.)

Relatively ancient and inactive
I get it. Weight Loss products make you thirsty, meaning you tried a lot of Weight Loss products, meaning both that they all fail and that you're fat!
None.
This was a social satire essay, for those of you that missed it. Look at the acronym more carefully.
None.