how are these?
im forgetting how to learn,
but im used to not knowing so it's not really a problem,
and im totally six feet under with remorse,
of course it's just my luck,
these flowers i've been pushing up will burn
Im tastelessly tasting these excuses you roll off your tongue,
because the truth is way to harsh,
and you've had it be so bottled up it will be watered down when you pour it in my glass,
a little bit less strong, with a little bit more class.
you can exercise your right to die,
its been around for quite some time,
the fact that my voice graces these walls, means im still alive
how are these?
im forgetting how to learn,
but im used to not knowing so it's not really a problem,
and im totally six feet under with remorse,
of course it's just my luck,
these flowers i've been pushing up will burn
Im tastelessly tasting these excuses you roll off your tongue,
because the truth is way to harsh,
and you've had it be so bottled up it will be watered down when you pour it in my glass,
a little bit less strong, with a little bit more class.
you can exercise your right to die,
its been around for quite some time,
the fact that my voice graces these walls, means im still alive
First stanza: "I'm forgetting how to learn" is pretty good. Then the second line is really simple, unpoetic language. You might want to try reworking it. The third line, I have no idea why you threw "totally" in there. It ruins the mood to me. "Of course it's just my luck" seems tossed in. I like the last line.
Second stanza: "Tastelessly tasting" - I'm not feeling it. Other than the unnecessary adverb I do like this line. Well, at least to me it seems unnecessary. You might have had something in mind that I don't think is working. Once again, simple second line, unpoetic (just pretend unpoetic is a word if it isn't) language. Also too harsh* not "to harsh." I liike the idea of the third line. Maybe you should break it up into two lines though. It's a bit long.
Third stanza: I like the lines but it seems a bit disjointed. How does that all go together? I definitely feel like their should be more before it ends.
Overall - decent. Much room for improvement left. My favorite part is the third and fourth lines of the second stanza.
None.
I did a re-write and improvement of this and showed it to ToA.
I'm forgetting how to learn,
Though, I've gotten used to it by now
Six feet under, remorse and roses
Just my luck, typical of this town
So I'll push up my daisies and have them burn
Every shade of the flame another word
I should have said before I left
I'm savoring tasting these excuses you roll off your tongue,
The truth is way too harsh, the lies harsher still,
I know you've got it bottled up while you suck another bottle down
And the more watered down the taste, the trashier you get
Call it another night well spent
You can exercise your right to die,
It's the one last thing I won't take
And as my voice graces these halls
How hollow that promise seems
Same as the one I gave with a ring
