I was gone three years
Then my whole life was changed,
So I cried some tears
And became re-arranged.
A smile on her face
And the saddened skies shine,
I'm all out of place,
The continuation of time.
Free of my burden
As this spark becomes fire,
To light up the room
I can see my desire.
A girl who shows care
And a new meaning to love,
So how did I bare
Not seeing this dove?
Post has been edited 2 time(s), last time on Nov 16 2008, 11:44 am by Shocko.
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I have read this. I find it interesting, yet not quite intriguing. I suggest a lesser number of commas and more strategic use of punctuation. Overuse tends to make a poem hard to stand reading, which this evidently suffers from.
Final opinion: Interesting. Use punctuation more strategically.
probably one of the better review's i've heard in my time. However the engilsh language (though I am english) doesn't come to me naturally, so if you could explain what i did wrong and perhaps use my poem, but re-structure it, i could learn? Thanks!
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I believe he means that you use a comma after almost every line. A comma isn't necessary unless you want to make the reader pause.
whilst writing it i wasn't sure if I should put comma's or not so I just did.
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I made 1 word edit and changed the punctuation, i'm not sure if you guys like it more but it's how I personally read it. Comments / Suggestions please
!
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I've seen much better from you, I must say. The word choices are a bit boring and there really isn't anything in terms of interesting imagery or metaphors either. I'd say the third stanza is my favorite.... hmmm well I guess the 4th stanza isn't too bad either. If you still wanted to work on this poem, imo, the first stanza is completely useless and only detracts from the poem -- so I'd cut that out and write a new stanza altogether... or massively edit it.
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Yeah the poem sort of started to get new meaning as i wrote it, there was more inbetween and afterwards, but i cut them out, I will make an edited version sometime later. I didn't think this was my best work, but in all honesty it's probably one of my only happy pieces ever made, in my defense
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