not finished yet D:

we live on the land
that grows increddibly high
its underneath all the sand
which buries our time

and here in the past
where all the feelings remain
we're both parts of this cast
that covers the pain

but skies are still blue
all-though the flowers are dead
and clouds continue to move
in hope light is shed

and water will come
when lifes end is the near
and soon will follow the sun
destroying the fear

that tomorrow is grey
and filled with horror and hate
to think that this is the day
that life was so great

I think I heard Cannibal Corpse say that in a song once...

say what?

Yeah look same lyrics
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dwfxmjE7yD4

LOL.

It was so bad I was actually going to believe it was original, too..

I dont see the similarity to the song mentioned, however as usual Shocko, and dont take it personaly, i find your work to be as moving as a lead weight. Your just not conveying anything in your words, and if you think you are, i suggest you try harder.

If you'd like ill post some of my work, it may give you some ideas.

I read the lyrics and there is nothing similar about them...

Excalibur I don't really grasp what you're getting at, you think I need to be more like... in tune with my feelings and portray that? or would you like me to write poems about necrophilia and rape / murder with sick twistedness, because apparently that's what T-Mastaa wants, but apparently T-Mastaa is filthy scum that needs to be eradicated because he's fucking insane.

Ill try to explain.

I view poetry, lyrics, and all creative writing as a form of art. Art has beauty, the amount of which is determined by the beholder. I see no artistic value in what your writing and i suggest you do whatever you need to to be inspired on an artistic level.

so basically drop the structures and just write random lines?

The poet,
Named exalibur,
Had a piece of his cod,
That he got from the local fish n chips store,
Whilst in england,
Where it rains,
And rains,
And rains some more,
Oh england,
You rainy whore,
You delightfuly intriuge me,
To your tender touch,
A touch so soft it makes my heart errupt with a big firey passion of poetic skills,
And upmost satisfaction,
For the image I portray is neither from the heart nor the brain,
But rather just lyrically correct and suggestive of some shape and or form of artistic views and explanation of life itself,
Rain some more,
You rainy whore,
Oh england the mother land of india,
I do say,
When will it stop,
This rainy day?

Good poems, creative and thoughtful.




________________________________
Mentalpatients Lair

The poem does not seem to convey a given theme or motif, and word order is often changed with no respect to the flow of the poem just to match a very forced rhyme. I could go on.. I'm not trying to be insulting, but it just is not remarkable at all.

Oh, and for the record, I can't really understand a word of that video anyway

No Shocko, you totally misunderstood me. DTBK has better stated my pont, thank you DTBK.

How's about you guys jump off cliffs D:

I couldn't be bothered to listen to the song, it sucked from word go when he sreams "I cum blood" even the name is fucking stupid, so I looked up the lyrics and it's just necrophilia, rape, murder and at the end the guy says he gets off to cutting his own dick.

Do realise that artwork which requires the painter's explanation of his feelings at the time, often fails.

You are completely wrong and have no idea what you are talking about.

no u.
I could write how I feel, but then i'd have to argue with you guys about politics and what not, and how you have to be right even when it comes to art... and yeah, w.e... not up to it.

Sorry, bad wording. Remove the feelings bit.
If the artist has to explain it, it fails.

It only needs to be explained if the people reading it/listening to it/looking at it want it to be explained. The audience may just like it for it's diction/rhythm/beauty without an explanation. Have you ever listened to music.... at all? I'm sure you don't know where 99.9% of the songs you listen to derive, but I'm sure you like plenty of them anyways. Not everyone will want an explanation, so the artist won't have to explain it to everyone, and it doesn't auto fail.

Not to mention -- define fail. I think your woefully misguided as to what art is.

I think you guys are making an arguement out of a poem i made for fun...

Nothing I'm saying has anything to do with your specific poem, really. I'll take it outside of the topic if you would like me to do so.