Tell me what you think of it!
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Death and gore spread throughout
Insects crawl through your veins
The world thrown into disarray
Blood and violence rises now
Abominable beasts
Contemptible men
Wretched whores
And sullen slaves
Swarms of locusts eclipse the sun
One by one the stars devoured
Endless night, eternal winter
Rot and decay, festering flesh
Last days draw near
Apocalypse incoming
Riots flow freely
Warring nations about
The strings of fate are cut down by axes
Kings and rulers fall to their knees
All shall perish before the onslaught
All shall burn in the conflagration
The deities are dying
Their heads are trophies
Their bodies are eaten
Armageddon begins
The seas tossing and turning, heaving about
Earth is trembling, shuddering apart
Skies are collapsing, grand calamity
The wheel of time undergoing destruction
The end is nigh
Hang yourselves
Lest you suffer
A terrible fate
Post has been edited 1 time(s), last time on Aug 24 2011, 12:53 am by Sand Wraith.
Better than your last one.
I would go for shorter until you get better.
"If a topic that clearly interest noone needs to be closed to underline the "we don't want this here" message, is up to debate."
-NudeRaider
I like the message you're conveying, it really speaks to me.
I'm sorry, I can't get away from the subject matter.
foreveranoob.jpg
Well this is fucking weird. But at least it has a point of view. If you cut some of the generalizations, universals, and cliches, it wouldn't be that bad. The ending is interesting.
For instance:
Death and gore spread throughout
Ineffective.
Insects crawl through your veins
Effective. (though I would change
your to
their or
my or
our because that would be stronger/more specific)
The world thrown into disarray
Blood and violence rises now
Ineffective.
Effective. (perhaps still a little cliche, but it's far superior to 'blood and violence rises now')
So on and so forth.
Let the images do your work. Avoid telling us 'it's the apocalypse', 'there's lots of death', etc. Let the images tell us that.
None.
I'll think of that when I write my next piece. Thanks for your comments!
